for alex:
though your topic sentence is catching, it brings me a few questions that i would like answers. your "hooking/first sentence". you stated characteristics like Violence, struggling, death, and survival but where is the violence in the book? back it up. you also use used a vioce that is not meant to be used for such an essay, probably to fill up the minimal required 1000 words. you used unnecessary things/terms like "i mean". your draft is also very short and you will need to expand it if you are to get full credit. also, which question are you trying to answer? it would make it much easier to edit it.
Tiffany:
like the many other first drafts i read, all just have additional unnecessary words that should be eplaced or deleted. you said that you read many books alike the one you are writing about. what stories are you talking about? give examples. and what is the book that you are writing about? you should mention it in the introduction, making it easier for the readers like me. also, if you are to improve the quality of your draft, you should use a different voice. it sounds as if you are chatting with a friend. also, one solution is to add a world connection/hooking sentence at the start that relates
vincent (gina did not do it):
you can improve in your introductory. you should make your first sentence a more "hooking/world conection". instead,u went straight to the question. your essay also bring me some questions. what was the book about? you need to give us readers a somewhat bigger picture of the book. what is the plot of the story? just remember that if you do add some more detail abou the book, remember not to put too much that it would ruin the book for those who did not read it yet. you also placed some extra words and sentences. at times you were repedative, probably to reach the 1000 word minimum.
though your topic sentence is catching, it brings me a few questions that i would like answers. your "hooking/first sentence". you stated characteristics like Violence, struggling, death, and survival but where is the violence in the book? back it up. you also use used a vioce that is not meant to be used for such an essay, probably to fill up the minimal required 1000 words. you used unnecessary things/terms like "i mean". your draft is also very short and you will need to expand it if you are to get full credit. also, which question are you trying to answer? it would make it much easier to edit it.
Tiffany:
like the many other first drafts i read, all just have additional unnecessary words that should be eplaced or deleted. you said that you read many books alike the one you are writing about. what stories are you talking about? give examples. and what is the book that you are writing about? you should mention it in the introduction, making it easier for the readers like me. also, if you are to improve the quality of your draft, you should use a different voice. it sounds as if you are chatting with a friend. also, one solution is to add a world connection/hooking sentence at the start that relates
vincent (gina did not do it):
you can improve in your introductory. you should make your first sentence a more "hooking/world conection". instead,u went straight to the question. your essay also bring me some questions. what was the book about? you need to give us readers a somewhat bigger picture of the book. what is the plot of the story? just remember that if you do add some more detail abou the book, remember not to put too much that it would ruin the book for those who did not read it yet. you also placed some extra words and sentences. at times you were repedative, probably to reach the 1000 word minimum.
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